I have been unfaithful.

girl-alone

 

I have been unfaithful. It took me a while to realize it, but when I did, my heart was broken. These past few months have been a whirlwind for us. We have been so busy moving, finding a new church home, new friends, and starting new jobs. Honestly, we have been blessed beyond measure. Things haven’t been easy, but they have taken us on a journey of the new and unexpected. And somehow, in the middle of all the excitement, I became unfaithful.

I found myself spending more time in the aisles of Hobby Lobby than in-between the lines of God’s word. I began to obsess over watching Netflix instead of waiting for my next sermon to upload on YouTube. My social life flourished while my prayer life suffocated. Sunday mornings didn’t seem to have the impact that they did before, in fact, I felt embarrassed to go to church. Embarrassed because I realized that I let another week go by without growing a millimeter closer to Jesus. I would feel Him drawing me close, gently asking me if I would spend time with Him. My response was, “I’ll make time tomorrow,” and tomorrow came and went while my Bible laid dormant on my shelf, collecting another day’s worth of dust. I had gladly accepted the blessings that my Father gave me, but I made the mistake of allowing the gifts to become greater than the giver. Instead of satisfying the hunger and thirst of my soul with the one who truly could, I turned to the possessions and entitlement, keeping my eyes fixed on the things that this world has ever-so-sneakily taught us to.

I became distant with my husband. We were no longer standing firmly side-by-side on the rock foundation of our faith. We were standing on it back to back, wondering how we had gotten here when things were going so good. We became short with each other and found ourselves lonely in our marriage, even though we still had each other. Our devotional life didn’t exist. Our prayer time together was rare. We felt lost, Like we were in a wandering in a desert and yearning for water, with no energy to even cry out to Jesus to help us. We would say, “we have to change this”, and it wouldn’t. We became complacent. We knew it had to change. We knew that we were capable of getting back to where we are, and we knew we both wanted to. We just didn’t know how.

I somewhat grew up in church and would sing hymns, but as I got older I had forgotten most of them. When my husband and I were dating, we would sing hymns with his family, and I had to do a lot of learning. But there was one that always stuck out to me, “Great is Thy Faithfulness.” If you have a few free moments, I would highly suggest you take a listen to this version –> Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Every day that passed that I left Him with my silence from neglect of prayer, He was faithful. When Jesus was inviting me to sit in His presence and I ran from Him, He was faithful. He saw the dust growing on my Bible and knew that I was not refreshed with His word, but He was faithful. He never left me. He never had forsaken me. He never neglected me. He patiently waited for His daughter to return to fellowship with Him and to show His goodness. I had never felt that so strongly until a few Sunday’s ago during our worship at church.. I wanted to worship and pray to Him so badly, but I was embarrassed that I had waited so long. I was ashamed that I had neglected Him and put other things before Him. I wanted to just let it all go and ask Him to forgive me and raise my hands to Him, but I felt like I couldn’t because I had waited too long. I remember thinking to myself, “I’m just going to participate on the sidelines. Lord, I’m here, but I can’t worship you because I don’t deserve to. I don’t deserve you.” And the truth is, I don’t. But that’s what makes Jesus so, so amazing. All of a sudden, I felt His embrace wrap around me like a warm ray of sunshine. I literally felt Him holding me, drawing me back to Him and showing me how much He loved me. In that moment, I realized He had been waiting this whole time. He had been waiting for me to come back to Him. All I had to do was surrender. I had been forgiven and renewed, brought back to right relationship with my creator. I found myself thanking Him for the desert that I walked through, because I was able to realize just how strong His love is, how true His promises are, and how faithful He is.

Since that time, our lives have flourished once again for Jesus. Our marriage is at one of the highest mountaintops it has ever been on, my bible no longer has a layer of dust gathering on the cover, my prayer life is alive and active, and I have my eyes focused on God and the things that He is showing me and teaching me every day. It’s all too easy to get caught up with this world and all that it has to offer, but it will never truly satisfy. I’m grateful to have been reminded of that. I’m grateful that I walked through the desert to realize that my King is who He says He is, and that He loves me like no one else can. I’m grateful that I was shown more of His glory and more of His truth. He loves me, despite the fact that I fail Him. And He loves you, too.

Dear friend, it’s by the grace of Jesus that I have been able to share this part of my journey. It’s humbling. Honestly, it’s a stark reminder that the Christian walk is far from perfect, there are plenty of struggles in it. But the struggles that we go through are nothing compared to God’s glory. Once you have believed that what Jesus did was for you to have relationship with God, and you surrender your life to Him, Romans 8:39 says that “neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” He. Is. Faithful. He was faithful for enduring the torture and mocking that He did before He was hung on a cross, bearing everyone’s sin. He was faithful when He conquered the grave 3 days after His death. He was faithful when He promised the Holy Spirit would live inside of whoever believed in Him. And He will be faithful to you.

::Psalm 86:15::

 But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

4 thoughts on “I have been unfaithful.

  1. I am so blown away! Your writing is so eloquent and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these are the Lord’s words and you are being used as a vessel for this message. We all fall into the trap of becoming distant from the Father, keeping our eyes fixed on the world and our back to the One who will redeem it. Thank you for this reminder. So glad that I pretended to pay attention in class and read this instead (:

    Liked by 1 person

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