A lot can happen in 2 years, can’t it? I remember when I was younger, the advice that I heard repetitively when I complained about wanting to be older was “the older you get, the faster time goes. Enjoy this time now, because it will be gone before you know it.” Well, I have gotten older. And guess what? They were right.
These past two years of my life have been a whirlwind. I married the love of my life, moved away from home, then moved even farther away from home. We have shouted on the mountaintops and grieved in the valley over these past 2 years, and we have found ourselves continuing to hold firmly in our faith when we have gone through the storms that raged around us. Some have been rainy days.. others, a monsoon. About that monsoon… we are still in it. Trust me, I have prayed and prayed, cried, and prayed some more for Jesus to bring us out of it, but we are still here. I’ve heard that the Christmas season is a season of miracles, and I believe that it is. I think that’s why I held on so tightly to my prayer that this year, this Christmas, we would be delivered from our storm; that we would get to be the next couple to share a beautifully staged photograph of our Christmas decor showing that we had received our miracle. I had faithfully expected to be able to have a gift under my tree that my husband would open to tell him that he was going to be a daddy. I had been dreaming of what the videos would look like as we shared the news with our family.. the shouting, the crying, the excitement, the joy. But this year, I am reminded of the ache of my empty womb. There will be no surprise baby arrival post, no gift for my husband to open telling him that his prayers have been answered, no excitement of me feeling the explainable joy of carrying a precious life. No gift of an announcement of my baby under my tree.
Friend, to be honest with you, I am crying as I type this. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I can’t. Infertility is a painful wound, and I feel it deeply every day. I have spent much time petitioning with God, asking Him to show us His glory in this situation. I have eagerly waited for Him to answer us. Just like His word says, His ways and thoughts are so much higher than anything that we could imagine, and I believe that with all of my heart. Even though He has not gifted us with a baby yet, He has gifted us with something even more precious.. Himself. Through this trial and testing of our faith, I have come to know Jesus in a way that I never thought was possible. Though this pain is not something I ever wanted to go through, I would do it all over again to be as close to my King as I am right now, in this season, in this moment. His grace has been sufficient for me in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) I have heard of testimonies of people who knew God was real because of the prayer that He answered, and He does reveal Himself in those ways often; but He also reveals Himself when our prayers aren’t answered like we thought they would be. There are countless stories in the Bible of God doing the impossible to bring glory to Himself. He shows time and time again that nothing is impossible for Him, and He also asks for us to completely trust Him and His ways. I want to give God glory in my struggle.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 says to “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” After two years, I have finally been able to say the thing I never thought I could. I am thankful for my infertility. Thankful because I know that my infertility is a wound that is no match for the God that I serve. Because of this ache in my heart to be a mother, I have had no choice but to pray for my baby and seek the Lord harder than I have before. I have been able to see that God did not forget me, it’s not that he didn’t hear me. He has been molding, shaping, stretching, and preparing me to be the mother that He wants me to be for the baby that He will entrust to me. God has shown me that He is who He says He is. He makes beauty from ashes. (Isaiah 61:3) In my circumstance, I have hope because I know the God whom I love. I know that He has a perfect time for when our baby will come into this world, and I am hanging on to that with everything that I have.
Most importantly, I have learned more about the beauty of Christmas. I have learned more of how humble my God is, and how much He loves. I have cried for a Christmas miracle, and I have been reminded that it already happened, one night in a stable, in the little town of Bethlehem. That is where the greatest miracle of all took place… God giving Himself as a precious, perfect, innocent baby boy. My King came from His heavenly throne to be born in a stable because no one had a room for Him. He could have chosen to be brought up in a wealthy family, but He chose to be a servant. He could have been the most beautiful human being to ever walk this earth, but instead He made Himself to look like everyone else. He chose to be born into the world that He created, only to be grow up to give His life freely to trample our sin, the greatest gift of all. Jesus could have surpassed all of the pain that we feel, but He chose to feel it. He chose to be the spotless lamb that would be slaughtered so that we could be made righteous with God. (Isaiah 53:1) There is no God like Him.
Here is an amazing article related to what I am talking about here –>http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/come-thou-unexpected-jesus
In my time of weeping over my infertility, I know that Jesus has walked every single step with me. In fact, He has carried me through much of it. I can have hope and joy in my circumstance because I know where my help comes from. My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1) My dear friend, I do not know what struggles you are going through in this season of your life. It could be financial distress, anxiety, health complications, loss of a loved one, hopelessness… I am here to tell you that there is a God who loves you so much, that He gave all of Himself to have a relationship with you. Of all of the Christmas miracles, He is the most marvelous. He offers new life, and He longs to show Himself to you. Whether you are following Jesus now, or you are new to this journey but wish to give your life to Him, give Him glory this Christmas season. He deserves it all. His love is too big and too glorious to wrap up in a box to stick under a tree.. but it is the most amazing gift that you can ever receive.