Life looks so different for me now than it did even a few years ago. When I was pregnant with Judah, since he’s been born, there’s been many times where I had wanted to share things and talk about my excitement and journey of motherhood. I know it’s been a long time since my last post, but I do plan on going into more details on my pregnancy and first year with our son. 🙂 I have always been careful in not wanting to hurt the infertility warriors who are still waiting for their miracle. I remember being on the other side and seeing women announce their pregnancies and births of their babies, and being in this confusing and painful circle of emotions; happy, sad, scared, hopeful, left out. If you are reading this and you are in the middle of a waiting period, I hope that the Lord speaks to you through this and that you are encouraged. It has been a long while since I’ve last written, but I’ve been feeling lead to return to this blog as a platform for ministry and a community for believers to share and encourage one another.
Life is filled with change, and things are different than what I expected them to look like in this season. I had always thought that when God answered our prayers of being parents that we would be on a mountaintop with Him for the rest of our lives. I thought that we would feel extremely close to God, all day every day. How could we not be when we have a living, breathing answer from Him?! But the one thing that I didn’t anticipate what was it was going to look like keeping Jesus as my first love. Every day we battle things that bombard our minds and try to consume our time and attention. I would be lying if I said that I always choose to spend time with Jesus over watching Netflix, being on social media, or even sleeping! As vain as that may sound, it’s the truth. One of the biggest things I’ve learned in this season is that it’s dangerously easy to love the gift more than the giver. Did I ever think that I would struggle with idolizing my baby?! Absolutely not. But the reality of my situation is this; I am a mother, a wife, a disciple of Jesus, and a friend. And when life is pulling at you from every direction and you don’t know which way to look, it’s crucial to remember that our eyes should always be on HIM. In God’s word, we see Him saying to us to abide in Him. I LOVE that word. To abide means to accept, to obey, to follow. And time and time again, we see that we are supposed to keep Jesus first, to be deeply rooted in Him, and to be in communication with Him throughout the day. Knowing God’s word and obeying Him is how we stay connected and how we grow. And this is an area that I have failed in, miserably.
I had previously shared about my unfaithfulness to God, and how easy it is to let the days pass by without my bible being opened. When you go through a trial, there is a closeness that you feel to the Lord that you don’t get in other circumstances. You learn what His comfort feels like, you learn more about His character, and you learn what it looks like to be joyful even when it hurts so badly. I’ve learned that we don’t just struggle while we’re waiting for our answer, but there are unforeseen battles that we face even after the miracle comes. I didn’t know it then, but God was teaching me things through my pain that I was going to need for this time in my life. And I’ve been reminded frequently that EVERYTHING is for His glory.
I guess you could say that I had been at a standstill in my relationship with God. I was finding that getting into His word was so difficult, it wasn’t coming alive to me like it had been in the past. Instead of being the “super Christian” I thought that I was going to be after Judah was born, I felt lost and unsure of my identity in Jesus. I was divulging way too much into social media and quickly falling into the trap of “why doesn’t my life look like that” instead of remembering that I had more than what I could ever imagine. In short, I’m trying to say that the things that I struggled with during my time of infertility slowly started creeping back in; the worry, the anxiety, the questioning of what God is doing in this season. He’s SO patient to put up with us. It reminds me of the Israelites when they were crossing the Red Sea. Talk about a miracle, right?! But then some short time later, they were back to the same place as they were in their slavery. Please understand, I love my son deeply, and I thank God for him every day. He is so much more than I could’ve conjured up in my mind, and the fact that I get to be his mama brings me to tears. But even with those things being true, the only one who can truly satisfy the soul is Jesus. And even though I hate to admit it, the gift was becoming greater than Him.
I’m sure that you may be able to relate to that feeling. Where God seems distant and His word empty, even though we know deep down that both of those things are lies. The heart’s true intentions show clearly when you ask yourself what it is that you’re focusing on; your miracle, or the God who can do it. I read some scriptures of the different healings/miracles that Jesus performed, and something special caught my attention. We see that after almost every healing, the people are praising the Lord and celebrating the great things He had done. In order for them to even begin to think that Jesus could heal them, they had to first believe that He was who He said He was. I think that those who were healed were of course celebrating their recovery, but more importantly, I think that they were marveling at the fact that their Messiah had come. And that lead to me to this truth.. No matter how great the gift God gives, there is nothing that is more grand than Himself, even after the miracle comes.